It is easier to behave your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of behaving.
In J. Peers (ed.) 1,001 Logical Laws (1979)
We're beggars and blighters and ne'er-do-well cads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Aye! But we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!
My friends, each of you is a single cell in the great body of the State. And today, that great body has purged itself of parasites. We have triumphed over the unprincipled dissemination of facts. The thugs and wreckers have been cast out. And the poisonous weeds of disinformation have been consigned to the dustbin of history. Let each and every cell rejoice! For today we celebrate the first, glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directive! We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on Earth! We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will bury them with their own confusion! We shall prevail!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Greensleeves was all my joy,
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but Lady Greensleeves?
Consequences, schmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!
If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
WESLEY: I'm a rogue demon hunter now.
CORDELIA: What's a rogue demon?
The story is told of Picasso that a stranger in a railway carriage accosted him with the challenge, "Why don't you paint things as they really are." Picasso demurred, saying that he did not quite understand what the gentleman meant, and the stranger then produced from his wallet a photograph of his wife. "I mean," he said, "like that. That's how she is." Picasso coughed hesitantly and said, "She is rather small, isn't she. And somewhat flat?"
Early to rise, early to bed,
Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
BARBARELLA: A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.
If the radiance of a thousand suns
Were to burst at once into the sky
That would be like the splendor of the Mighty One --
I am become Death,
The shatterer of Worlds.
Above cited as translation recalled by J. Robert Openheimer during first A-bomb test (16 May 1945) (Current Biography Yearbook, 1964) Swami Nikhilananda (1944) translated as: "If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst forth at once in the sky, that would be like the splendour of the Mighty One. I am mighty, world-destroying Time …"
For certain is death for the born,
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve.
The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones. Many have fallen by the edge of the sword: but not so many as have fallen by the tongue.
For why should my liberty be subject to the judgment of someone else’s conscience?
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labor.
Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart.
A faithful friend is a strong defense: and he that hath found such an one hath found a treasure.
Each one should judge his own conduct. If it is good, then he can be proud of what he himself has done, without having to compare it with what someone else has done. For everyone has to carry his own load.
Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.
Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this: To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, and one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works. Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble. But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?
He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded.
As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, "Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?" But Jesus turned and rebuked them, and they went to another village.
Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.
Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
What does the Lord require of you? To seek kindness, do justice, and walk humbly with your God.
alt: "What doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?" (KJV)
Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.
Who are you to judge the servant of someone else? It is his own Master who will decide whether he succeeds or fails.
The true beginning of wisdom is the desire to learn, and a concern for learning means love towards her; the love of her means the keeping of her laws; to keep her laws is a warrant of immortality; and immortality brings a man near to God. Thus the desire of wisdom leads to kingly stature.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love.
ZOE BALL (host): So tell us what this is exactly ...
GUEST: It's a matchstick model of Cardiff Arms Park.
ZOE BALL: Wow! That's amazing. What's it made out of?
GUEST: Er ... matchsticks.
Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those things we ought not to have done.
Prayer is responding to God, by thought and by deeds, with or without words.
Deliver us from the presumption of coming to this Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal.
ANYA: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie.
On Thanksgiving. Episode by Jane Espenson. Text/clip.
MAYOR: Be careful not put someone's eye out with that thing … until I tell you to.
GILES: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
XANDER: I resent that! Or possibly, thank you.
FAITH: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling.
BUFFY: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and you lose.
WILLOW: Ass-kicking always makes a good Plan B.
XANDER: You up for a little reconnaissance?
BUFFY: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
XANDER: No, that was the Renaissance.
BUFFY: Oh. I've had a really long week.
GILES: It's me, it's me!
CORDELIA: How do we know it's really you and not Zombie Giles?
GILES: Oh, Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
CORDELIA: That's him.
BUFFY: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
WILLOW: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
BUFFY: Yeah, but I thought I saw something … I don't know, I was really out of it, but —
CORDELIA: But you do know that you saw Death.
WILLOW: Did it have an hourglass?
BUFFY: Ooh —
XANDER: If he asks you to play chess, don't even do it. The guy's like a whiz.
SPIKE: Where have you been pet?
DRUSILLA: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
ANYA: Look, I know you find me attractive; I've seen you looking at my breasts.
XANDER: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
XANDER: You're considered somewhat cool.
OZ: I am?
XANDER: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-committal sentences?
OZ: Could be.
WILLOW: So, how did it go?
XANDER: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
MAYOR: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. "Miniature." "Golf."
BUFFY: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.
CORDELIA: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
XANDER: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
BUFFY: Vampires are creeps.
GILES: Yes. That's why one slays them.
XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
STUDENT: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
BUFFY: You know I meant to, and then I just got really busy...
BUFFY: So, Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?
GILES: How about the end of the world?
BUFFY: Knew I could count on you.
MAYOR: There's more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that's factually true.
WILLOW: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: 'Don't get killed.'
SMART GUY 1: The thing that the modern-day pundits fail to realize is that all the socioeconomic and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer.
BUFFY: My mother always said beer is evil.
SMART GUY 1: Evil, good -- these are moral absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops.
XANDER: And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?
BUFFY: Foamy!
XANDER: Good. Just as long as that's clear.
XANDER: Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?
GILES: Don't taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No. It's just ... tacky.
MAYOR: My god, what a feeling. The power of these creatures. It suffuses my being. I can feel the changes begin. My organs are shifting, merging, making ready for the Ascension. Plus these babies are high in fiber, and what's the fun of becoming an immortal demon if you're not regular, am I right?
GILES: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
ANYA: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
GILES: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
MAYOR: I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it's a little late for that. I don't suppose I could offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green.
SPIKE: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
WILLOW: Doesn't it make you wonder what else is there, right under our feet?
BUFFY: Mostly, I've just found sewers full of demons.
ANYA: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
XANDER: Then why are you talking to me?
ANYA: I don't have a date for the prom.
WILLOW: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five."
TARA: Five-by-five? Five what by five what?
WILLOW: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
Risk more than others think is safe.
Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
#3537. Superfluity does not vitiate.
#1597. Everything is deemed possible except that which is impossible in the nature of things.
MR. MATSUNAGA: Mr. President.
MR. ROBERT C. BYRD: I see my good and dear and true friend from Hawaii, a man who wears a perpetual smile --
MR. JESSE HELMS: And who is also generous.
MR. ROBERT C. BYRD: Not only generous, but also a gentleman. A man who is clean on the inside, a man who is clean on the outside, a man who neither looks up to the rich nor down on the poor, a man whose compassionate heart goes out to the young, the old, the maimed; a man who is too honest to cheat and too honorable to lie: that man is a gentleman. I speak of none other than my friend from Hawaii.
MR. JESSE HELMS: Mr. President, I say if that does not gain for the majority leader a case of fine pineapple, nothing will.
"Edgy" and "icky" are so hard to tell apart these days.
Liberty is the capacity to do anything that does no harm to others.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
THE DOCTOR: What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
THE DOCTOR: I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.
THE DOCTOR: The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views.
THE BRIGADIER: Naturally enough, the only country that could be trusted with such a role was Great Britain.
THE DOCTOR: Naturally. I mean, the rest were all foreigners.
JAMIE: Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie, I believe I have.
JAMIE: What are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR: Bung a rock at it.
THE DOCTOR: Logic, my dear Zoë, merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
THE BRIGADIER: You know, just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
THE DOCTOR: Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
THE DOCTOR: There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
THE DOCTOR: To the rational mind, nothing is inexplicable; only unexplained.
THE DOCTOR: Would you like a jelly baby?
LEELA: It's true then! They say the Evil One eats babies.
THE DOCTOR: You mustn't believe all they say.
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
The time and effort required to complete a project are always more than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
At the third cup, wine drinks the man.
[Literally, "Man drinks wine. Wine drinks wine. Wine drinks man."]
Kojikotowaza Jiten (Dictionary of Traditions and Proverbs)
Perseverance alone does not assure success. No amount of stalking will lead to game in a field that has none.
Moving is a lot like drinking too much. I have all these bruises I can't explain, and I don't know where any of my sh*t is.
Just as too much charity is the handiwork of a fool, so too much patience is the hallmark of a coward.
RIVERA: You know, McCoy, you wanna put the bad guys behind bars you have to get your hands dirty.
McCOY: The problem is, detective, sometimes it doesn't stop at the hands.
Recently, when the standoff in Waco, Tex., turned ugly and the cult members set fire to their compound, "Guiding Light", which had been on for about 15 minutes, was interrupted by a news break, which took up the rest of the hour. Couldn't the networks have waited until 3 p.m. to tell the world about this terrible happening? I was very annoyed by this interruption.
SPENCER: I suppose you can make an explosive out of chewing gum?
MACGYVER: Why? Got some?"
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."
If I am inclined to doubt, steady my faith.
If I am tempted, make me strong to resist.
If I should miss the mark, give me courage to try again.
http://www.uspharmd.com/usmc/marineprayer.html
MARY: I'm an experienced woman. I've been around. Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been ... nearby.
There are no experimental failures -- there are only more data.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was one of 10 winners of the 1992 Horatio Alger award, given to Americans who overcome adversity to achieve success. Bond was set for $100,000 and trial scheduled for May 4.
The map of Europe, Northern Africa, and the Arab nations published in Monday's editions contained the following errors: Libya was labeled as the Ukraine; Bulgaria and Romania were transposed; Bosnia-Herzegovina was identified as Bosnia; Montenegro should have been identified as a separate state bordering Serbia; Cyprus and the West Bank were not labeled; Andorra, a country between France and Spain, was not labeled; the Crimean Peninsula appeared twice on the Black Sea; Kuwait was not identified by name -- instead, the initials of the Knight-Ridder News Service were in its place.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons.
MOJO JOJO: You've got to be kidding! I'm wet! I'm naked! Your sister is wearing my clothes! And this is all part of some evil plot to RULE THE WORLD AS A SOGGY CHIMP IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
Every good act is charity. Your smiling in your brother's face, is charity; an exhortation of your fellow-man to virtuous deeds, is equal to alms-giving; your putting a wanderer in the right road, is charity; your assisting the blind, is charity; your removing stones, and thorns, and other obstructions from the road, is charity; your giving water to the thirsty, is charity.
A man's true wealth hereafter, is the good he does in this world to his fellow-man. When he dies, people will say, "What property has he left behind him?" But the angels will ask, "What good deeds has he sent before him?"
If you disclose your alms, even then it is well done, but if you keep them secret, and give them to the poor, then that is better still for you; and this wipes off from you some of your evil deeds.
BLUE: So just remember: the Internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
RED: How do you recommend they prepare?
BLUE: I dunno. Try going to your local middle school chess club, hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.
http://files.redvsblue.com/NYC2/RvB_NYC2.mov
You are properly exhausted after journey or business work. Worthily divert yourself from boredom and create new sense of perception that makes you completely relaxed & happy, please call on LONGMAN HOTEL where our multifunctional recreations will surely feast your tastes. YOU ARE ADDED WITH FUN …
It's as if all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Why was man created on the last day? So that he can be told, when pride possesses himL God created the gnat before thee.
When the Egyptians were drowning in the Red Sea, the angels in heaven began to break forth in songs of jubilation, but the Holy One, blessed be He, silenced them: "My creatures are perishing -- and ye are ready to sing!"
Examine the contents, not the bottle.
He who carries out one good deed acquires one advocate in his own behalf, and he who commits one transgression acquires one accuser against himself. Repentance and good works are like a shield against calamity.
A quotation at the right moment is like bread to the famished.
Who can protest and does not, is an accomplice in the act.
Teach your tongue to say, "I do not know," lest you err and stumble through your error.
The Divine Spirit does not reside in any except the joyful heart.
He who publicly shames his neighbor is as though he shed blood.
Rabbi Jannai said: "It is beyond our power to explain either the prosperity of the wicked or the afflictions of the righteous."
Knowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment;
Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength.
We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the lot of man.
HOMER: The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
BURNS: Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
APU: I used to think karma was baloney, but now I'm not so sure.
HOMER: Mmmmm ... caramel baloney!
BART: Why do we need church shoes? Jesus wore sandals.
HOMER: Well, if he'd had proper arch support, maybe they might not have caught him.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
PERRY COMO'S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: The members of a Greek family are murdered systematically in a bizarre fashion.
If you bought our course, "How to Fly Solo in Six Easy Lessons," we apologize for any inconvenience caused by our failure to include the last chapter, "How to Land Your Plane Safely." Send us your name and address and we will send you the last chapter posthaste. Requests by estates also honored.
MULDER: If my Miss Manners serves me right, that protrusion from his left cornea is a salad fork.
Life ... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you're left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers.
JIM HACKER: Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
SIR HUMPHREY: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
BERNARD WOOLLEY: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.
JIM HACKER: So they insult me and then expect me to give them more money?
SIR HUMPHREY: Yes, I must say it's a rather undignified posture. But it is what artists always do: crawling towards the government on their knees, shaking their fists.
I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
It became necessary to destroy the town to save it.
Attributed to an unidentified US Army Major.
Something is wrong.
[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.
Never ascribe something to another cause that can be fully explained by stupidity and mediocrity.
Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
The fact that [someone is] an unattractive character with followers holding rather odd theology, does not mean that they have no civil, legal or constitutional rights. Calling such a group a "cult" should not deprive them of their rights.
on the Branch Davidian ATF raid
There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future.
Liberty is always unfinished business.
It's not the bullet with my name on it that worries me. It's the one that says "To whom it may concern."
I don't have problems with things I can't see. God and Jesus and Heaven, I believe in all those things. It's the things I can see that I have trouble accepting.
http://crazytracy.com/blog/archives/000467.html
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey.
All sunshine makes a desert.
Do not stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles.
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.
Mother, I Want to Go to the Mountainside and Harden Myself with Physical Labor.
We Will Not Allow the United States Imperialists to Ride Roughshod over the People
When a tiger dies, it leaves its skin behind. When a person dies, he leaves his name behind.
One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade.
He who carves the Buddha never worships him.
There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.
Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life.
We cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our heads, but we can refuse to let them build their nests in our hair.
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
Before you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves.
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.
When you want to test the depths of a stream, don't use both feet.
With virtue you cannot be entirely poor. Without it you cannot be really rich.
In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone's letter.
Talk doesn't cook rice.
Dig the well before you are thirsty.
If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
There are three truths: my truth, your truth, and the truth.
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
Lending to a spendthrift is like pelting a trespassing dog with meat dumplings.
Happiness is someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.
Before trying to become a Buddha, first be kind to other people.
Light a Lucky and you'll never miss sweets that make you fat.
Eat a chocolate. Light an Old Gold. And enjoy both! Two fine and healthful treats!
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.
If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.
The B-52 has been an effective war machine. It's killed a lot of people.
[speech in Congress]
The B-52 has been an effective war machine, which has unfortunately killed a lot of people.
[as edited in the Congressional Record]
From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggety beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the
Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No ... he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
PROSECUTOR: Can you identify the man who held up your store?
WITNESS (pointing at defendant): Yes. That's him.
DEFENDANT (leaping up): I should have blown your bleeping head off! [Pause] If I'd been the one that was there.
I always have my pad on me. Because it makes me feel so happy. And it makes wonderful things happen. This is the accessory for another beautiful day. Whenever I get involved in something, its always here to comfort me.
Maybe if you live in a country that's a monarchy, this book's worth reading, but this is America, ok? The whole reason we live in a democracy is so that we the people don't have to worry about things like this.
In horse vernacular, Roy has always "given me my head," and I have tried to do the same for him.
Life is not holding a good hand; life is playing a poor hand well.
"ERROR 155 - You can't do that."
[On the nutritiousness of McDonalds food:] Coca-Cola is providing water, and I think that is part of a balanced diet.
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
[on the finding of a body in a suitcase on a trolley in the parking lot of London's Heathrow airport]
It is being treated as a suspicious death.
MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a bank robber. Give me the money.
MAN BEHIND MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a policeman. You are under arrest.
'Just say no' has done as much for drugs and sex as 'have a nice day' has for depression.
The fear of tomorrow comes one day too soon.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
Everyone must row with the oars he has.
Who is so deaf or so blind as he
That wilfully will neither hear nor see?
Cited in J. Heywood, Dialogue of Proverbs (1546)
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
Collected in Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia (1732).
Education begins a gentleman, conversation completes him.
Collected in Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia (1732).
He who can lick can bite.
Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
He who knows nothing doubts nothing.
One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
One does evil enough when one does nothing good.
And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
To a group in wheelchairs on Disability Day
Preserve civilization — write on walls.
A civilization flourishes when people plant trees under whose shade they will never sit.
There is no room for God in him who is full of himself.
Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time.
There is nothing noble in being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.